Monday, December 17, 2012

To Grieve or To {seem} Not to Grieve

As most of you might have read,
I am from the town in which the tragic massacre at the elementary school occurred.
And if you didn’t,
You do now.

What happened in our town was horrible,
And many other horrible words.
Saturday was harder than Friday because of
All the confirmed reports that came out
And everything was made official.

But I want to rewind back to Friday…
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I got out early from work,
And when I got home I felt so exhausted I crashed.
I don’t know what it was from:
The news of what happened,
Or constantly trying to figure out what was going on.
Some of our branches are able to get news channels,
We are not one of them.
We were relying on friends and family to call or text us what was happening.
And we were all hearing something different.
Friday night,
Dan and I had plans to meet up with Karla (who is also from Newtown) and Scott
At Lake Compounce to see their Holiday Lights.
During the day,
Karla and I decided that we would still meet up and go.
There are many reasons:
1.)   Karla and I grew up together in Newtown
2.)   Dan and I don’t have cable so we had no idea what was going on
3.)   Instead of sitting and staring at the wall, we thought it be better to get together with people we love and talk about things- both related and unrelated to what had occurred
4.)   We had these plans for over a month and unfortunately live far away from each other and because of the holidays, were unable to reschedule
5.)   Being with friends and family is how I grieve and I believe Dan as well.

The four of us were yelled at, called disrespectful, talked about, and much more about how we could possibly be out after such a thing happened.
Karla and I took pictures,
One I posted on instagram and linked it to my FaceBook page.
I was told I was ‘too happy for a time like this.’
But do they know how I really felt?
How much we talked about what was happening?
How I grieve??
How instead of sitting looking at the wall doing nothing, I was living in the present and for the now because if what happened proved nothing, it certainly proved that we don’t know what each minute holds?
We were all hurt by what was being said about us.
The worst part:
Nobody cared to ask why,
They just assumed we were cold hearted people.

I know I don’t need to explain myself,
But honestly,
I feel like I should…
And I’m going to.
I am an overly optimistic,
Happy almost all the time,
Smile constantly,
Try to see the good in everybody,
Fun person.
I also grieve very different from most people.
I don’t cry in public,
I barely cry at all as a matter of fact.
I’ve been to a few funerals,
I did not cry.
Not because I wasn’t sad/upset/mourning,
But because I physically couldn’t.
When in a time of mourning,
I find it better to be with friends and family-
Whether that’s out doing something
Or home relaxing.
I am not a stay-at-home-and-do-nothing type of person.
I’m a go getter-
Try to make things better-
Do whatever I can to help
Type of person.

When I was told I was being disrespectful,
I was crushed.
They obviously don’t know me as well as they thought,
And for that I’m sorry.
And in my mind,
I did not do anything wrong on Friday night.
Everybody has their own ways of getting through things,
Just because mine is different than yours,
Does not by any means that either is the right way.
The fact that I have to explain myself and my actions aggravates me.
During this time,
We should be coming together…
NOT judging anybody for their actions, name calling, or saying hurtful things.

Remember to:
Live in the present,
Don’t live in the past,
Strive to be better.
Each day is a blessing,
Dance like no ones watching.

Tomorrow I will not be blogging.
I am participating in the bloggers day of silence and I hope you all do as well.
Hopefully I will see you all Wednesday.


  1. You are absolutely right - everyone grieves in their own way, shape or form. I also give you kudos for going on with your plans because those who were a part of what happened would have wanted it that way. My wishes to your town!

  2. It's hard to believe someone would say that. Like you said, if that tragety taught anyone anything, it is that tomorrow isn't promised. It isn't cold-hearted to live. Not that you don't care, but you realize time is precious and what better way to spend your precious time than with people you care about whether out and about or at home. I'm so sorry for the tragety that happened in your home town, for the loss of so many loves ones and precious children, and for the cruel words spoken to you. My church has been praying for the families and will continue to.

  3. I think you did exactly what you needed to do, and I'm so sorry people were cruel to you because of it.

  4. We all grieve in a different way, don't take the attacks personally! You did what you needed to do. Some people need to latch on to hate and anger to grieve and it sounds like they are using your grieving process to latch their anger onto.
    I hope that you and your town are okay!